Skip to main content

No Name Post

There is a thin line separating sanity from insanity - my mental experience, of late, tells me that. My little nephew is ill and I am worried sick. Sometimes I have the ugliest of thoughts and they just keep pushing their way to become trapped in the recesses of my mind. I feel frustrated because I want to stop those thoughts from coming but my mind just has no control. I sweat, I chew gum, I chant mantras. Is this anxiety? Is this stress? I don’t want insanity attached to my identity. How frightening is that.

I talk about it to my friends and we come up with different theories. Perhaps the loss of my mother has been so traumatic and deep seated that I am unable to handle any form of sadness. Perhaps I have been anxious all my life that any incident triggers off a form of restlessness. Perhaps I am just so pessimistic that I focus only on the negative thoughts. Perhaps I need to work on some coping mechanism. 

And in times like this I become even more superstitious. I am the one who usually deride people with such beliefs. But here I am thinking maybe I should stop shopping and feeling good about it for a while, maybe I should not have put up too many pictures of my nephew on facebook and showcased him to the world, maybe I should stop drinking for a while and abstain from vices to allow some clean energy permeate my soul! 

Right now my sister is angry, shit angry with the doctors because they have not been able to pin point the cause of my nephew’s illness. Tests after tests, reports after reports and they have taken a deep emotional toll on everyone. But doctors are not Gods and maybe my sister should shed this negative energy to allow some positive energy in the house. I guess I sound weirder than I do in person but I am thinking of ways to ease my anxiety.

What do you do when the one you love so much is not keeping well? It is not easy being so far and relying on the phone call for every update. You wish you were near, to be able to cuddle him, give him words of encouragement and nourish him with love. The fact is, you don’t express that much when you are together and when you are away you want to make up for the inadequacies so desperately. I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to run home and make up for so many things. Reality is, life is not so simple.

The road to life is full of happiness and sadness, both in equal measure. When everything around me is OK I don’t even remember to pray but when sadness strikes I make sure the incense stick is lit morning after morning till I see a glimmer of happiness, somewhere, somehow. 

Here is hoping my insanity does not get the better of me.

Comments

Simply Curious said…
Prayers have the strength to heal for sure. Trust that everyone else is also praying for the little one - I am. Everything will be fine. Keep your faith and try t be happy. That will make you positive and strong. Lots of love. xoxo
Indira said…
thanks a lot shoma for your prayers and well wishes
Sabarmati View said…
Indi,
Take care. Because you are so far away, you feel more miserable. You are one of the most positive persons I have met... don't let that slip away from you.
I am praying for our lil one..
love and hugs
D

Popular posts from this blog

A Mad Man Or A Boor

What does one do when one encounters a mad dog? Or what does one do when one encounters a man with pre-fixed notions about everything in life, most specifically of women who live alone and give him some importance? The two are equivalent to me and basic intelligence says avoid the paths they tread like plague. But I chose to tackle them head on. I almost got rabbies.

The mad man said [sic] "You sound like a very desperate person. A single and frustrated woman who is looking for anyone to leave a comment on your blog so much so that you wouldn't even spare a spammer." Spammer being, the first comment on the previous post is apparently a spam, an advert for T-shirts. Bummer! I thought it was a handsome Spaniard or Latino, so I had replied "Hi Rodrigo", hoping to take the conversation forward offline. Anyway! All this the mad man found out. I didnt. Sure, I dig comments because I love the spontaneity and intelligence of my friends. And I didn't invite the mad m…

Them Versus Us

Taking off from the Shilpa 'Shitty' issue (I love the surname and that comes from my ever so humorous and intellectual friend Latha or Lotty with love and Angel No. 1 to some :)), here are some reflections on being a north easterner in the capital of the world's largest democracy. Also, Lotty, on a serious note, says I should have a NE angle to what I write. She has a point. I have enough material there, enough to give vent to.

I begin with 'oye Chinky'. When I came to Delhi in the mid 1990s to do a professional course, I wasn't sure what the word meant. Maybe I was too busy paying heed to my new found independence and the certain sense of security -- the fact that I could go to the market even at 10 pm without the peering eyes of the army or the CRPF personnel patrolling the streets and stiffling our existence. It wasn't until my course was over and I got myself a break as a sub editor with the country's premier news agency, that I had my first hand exp…

Glam Gurumaa

Have you ever met a so called godwoman or godman in person? Well I did and I have to talk about this one. On Tuesday night, I got a call asking if I would like to come and meet Anandmurti Gurumaa. My knowledge about ‘spiritual people’ as they would like to call themselves is zero because I have never taken interest in their ilk and India being full of conmen in the garb of spiritualists you tend to look at them with suspicion. I had a friend who stayed for weeks at a house cramped with people in a shady lane in Delhi and they were all fighting and scrambling for the baba’s attention. The baba would perform pujas during the evenings, make them drink and wash with ashes and they would pour heaps of money buying the essentials. The people went to him for all reasons – to sort marital discords, business failures, illnesses, and even vengeance on enemies! It was frightful. I had gone to meet the friend but after a few hours scooted away more scared I would pick a bug from the unhygienic su…