There is a thin line separating sanity from insanity - my mental experience, of late, tells me that. My little nephew is ill and I am worried sick. Sometimes I have the ugliest of thoughts and they just keep pushing their way to become trapped in the recesses of my mind. I feel frustrated because I want to stop those thoughts from coming but my mind just has no control. I sweat, I chew gum, I chant mantras. Is this anxiety? Is this stress? I don’t want insanity attached to my identity. How frightening is that.
I talk about it to my friends and we come up with different theories. Perhaps the loss of my mother has been so traumatic and deep seated that I am unable to handle any form of sadness. Perhaps I have been anxious all my life that any incident triggers off a form of restlessness. Perhaps I am just so pessimistic that I focus only on the negative thoughts. Perhaps I need to work on some coping mechanism.
And in times like this I become even more superstitious. I am the one who usually deride people with such beliefs. But here I am thinking maybe I should stop shopping and feeling good about it for a while, maybe I should not have put up too many pictures of my nephew on facebook and showcased him to the world, maybe I should stop drinking for a while and abstain from vices to allow some clean energy permeate my soul!
Right now my sister is angry, shit angry with the doctors because they have not been able to pin point the cause of my nephew’s illness. Tests after tests, reports after reports and they have taken a deep emotional toll on everyone. But doctors are not Gods and maybe my sister should shed this negative energy to allow some positive energy in the house. I guess I sound weirder than I do in person but I am thinking of ways to ease my anxiety.
What do you do when the one you love so much is not keeping well? It is not easy being so far and relying on the phone call for every update. You wish you were near, to be able to cuddle him, give him words of encouragement and nourish him with love. The fact is, you don’t express that much when you are together and when you are away you want to make up for the inadequacies so desperately. I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to run home and make up for so many things. Reality is, life is not so simple.
The road to life is full of happiness and sadness, both in equal measure. When everything around me is OK I don’t even remember to pray but when sadness strikes I make sure the incense stick is lit morning after morning till I see a glimmer of happiness, somewhere, somehow.
Here is hoping my insanity does not get the better of me.