No Holds Barred

I remember the good old guava tree at the backyard of my house in my sleepy hometown. It still stands there timeless and strong, bearing fruits by the year. At the age of ten, I learnt to climb it like the neighbourhood boys who were so drawn to it. And I was drawn to it for a lot of reasons. On many sunny mornings, it was my place to read my books and pen sweet epistles -- I was a hopeless romantic even at ten. When the years went by and I stepped into college it was the private spot where Julie, my friend, and I sat and exchanged stories, she about her seaman and I about life.

But tonight, it is not the guava tree that haunts me as much as the stories of romantic idealism that Julie and I exchanged. In a lot of ways, I was envious about Julie. She had a perfect romance going on in her life with a man she called her seaman because he worked with the navy. He pursued her, he loved her and he was ready to give her a home, children and a family to call his own -- all the things that a woman would want from a man. These weren’t expectations, but things that genuinely came from a man who loved a woman. Over the years, I have come to realise that things like these are not magical, extraordinary or special. They are the DNA of any romantic relationship.

So I am affected with people who keep expectations at bay. I think even with all the confidence and perspective in the world, you do expect certain things in a relationship and when that is not there, you feel like a loser. Rejection is one thing, it’s outright and you know it’s over, but to be told “don’t expect anything from me or the relationship” is worrying. Subconsciously you feel betrayed and alone. And when you get into that unhealthy space of fighting over the issue, it’s often a, “well I never wanted to lie to you from the start. That is not going to change and if you can't accept me for it, then it was not meant to be.” The truth straight up huh! Something feels utterly wrong there. In a fraction of a minute, it doesn’t matter who the ‘he’ is anymore, because suddenly from being a lover one moment ago, he sounds like any other man. After all, most men want to play it safe always.

There are people who are just happy being in vague relationships. Perhaps they do not want to let an opportunity slip based on what is going to happen in the future. Like parents who think they can’t love their second child as much as their first but everything changes. Safe thought but foolish in some situations.

I don’t know what’s right. I live my life holding on to dreams, expectations and more dreams. And I would never do years in a relationship knowing I can expect nothing out of it. Because when you spend all your waking hours and more with someone you build your world around, because you chose and because he choses, the feelings, love and expectation become ‘ours’. He becomes your home. I am accused of picking up fights and going off a tangent but because I do love, I have love to validate my reasonings… Ever felt alone than how much alone feels? Try discovering great expectations.