Skip to main content

No Holds Barred

I remember the good old guava tree at the backyard of my house in my sleepy hometown. It still stands there timeless and strong, bearing fruits by the year. At the age of ten, I learnt to climb it like the neighbourhood boys who were so drawn to it. And I was drawn to it for a lot of reasons. On many sunny mornings, it was my place to read my books and pen sweet epistles -- I was a hopeless romantic even at ten. When the years went by and I stepped into college it was the private spot where Julie, my friend, and I sat and exchanged stories, she about her seaman and I about life.

But tonight, it is not the guava tree that haunts me as much as the stories of romantic idealism that Julie and I exchanged. In a lot of ways, I was envious about Julie. She had a perfect romance going on in her life with a man she called her seaman because he worked with the navy. He pursued her, he loved her and he was ready to give her a home, children and a family to call his own -- all the things that a woman would want from a man. These weren’t expectations, but things that genuinely came from a man who loved a woman. Over the years, I have come to realise that things like these are not magical, extraordinary or special. They are the DNA of any romantic relationship.

So I am affected with people who keep expectations at bay. I think even with all the confidence and perspective in the world, you do expect certain things in a relationship and when that is not there, you feel like a loser. Rejection is one thing, it’s outright and you know it’s over, but to be told “don’t expect anything from me or the relationship” is worrying. Subconsciously you feel betrayed and alone. And when you get into that unhealthy space of fighting over the issue, it’s often a, “well I never wanted to lie to you from the start. That is not going to change and if you can't accept me for it, then it was not meant to be.” The truth straight up huh! Something feels utterly wrong there. In a fraction of a minute, it doesn’t matter who the ‘he’ is anymore, because suddenly from being a lover one moment ago, he sounds like any other man. After all, most men want to play it safe always.

There are people who are just happy being in vague relationships. Perhaps they do not want to let an opportunity slip based on what is going to happen in the future. Like parents who think they can’t love their second child as much as their first but everything changes. Safe thought but foolish in some situations.

I don’t know what’s right. I live my life holding on to dreams, expectations and more dreams. And I would never do years in a relationship knowing I can expect nothing out of it. Because when you spend all your waking hours and more with someone you build your world around, because you chose and because he choses, the feelings, love and expectation become ‘ours’. He becomes your home. I am accused of picking up fights and going off a tangent but because I do love, I have love to validate my reasonings… Ever felt alone than how much alone feels? Try discovering great expectations.

Comments

Unknown said…
Hi,
It's difficult to have a relationship without expectation. Though on theory it might sound great... or even in poetry. But life's a different game altogether.
QueSeraSera said…
I think in any relationship one has to learn to differentiate between expectation(s)and an exception.Just as life is not perfect so are relationships.It is especially true when people get into relationships with baggages from prior commitments or relationships.I mean when you are dealing with people one has to realize that you need to be ultra-sensitive to the close ones especially children after all I don't think any parent would feel happy if their children's future or happiness was compromised due to the insensitive actions of their parents. It is a question of give and take,compromise and understanding.If one is in it for real you lose some but I think you win more coz you have the person you love most in your life.Afterall it's just one life that we lead and how many chances do you get to live with someone you feel is the be all and end all.Life is about choices and no matter how difficult some choices are sometimes you have to make them.
Snigdha said…
nice photo/lotty. miss that great gang at work.
Shanti Thokchom said…
i can feel ur loneliness ..rightly so but on the flipside, you are alive despite everything going on around u!! any other someone would have cracked up by now..u r not alone sister! cheer up,yaar! u got so much going for u and keep thinking straight....no ulta-pulta stuffs,ok HOSE!!

Popular posts from this blog

A Mad Man Or A Boor

What does one do when one encounters a mad dog? Or what does one do when one encounters a man with pre-fixed notions about everything in life, most specifically of women who live alone and give him some importance? The two are equivalent to me and basic intelligence says avoid the paths they tread like plague. But I chose to tackle them head on. I almost got rabbies.

The mad man said [sic] "You sound like a very desperate person. A single and frustrated woman who is looking for anyone to leave a comment on your blog so much so that you wouldn't even spare a spammer." Spammer being, the first comment on the previous post is apparently a spam, an advert for T-shirts. Bummer! I thought it was a handsome Spaniard or Latino, so I had replied "Hi Rodrigo", hoping to take the conversation forward offline. Anyway! All this the mad man found out. I didnt. Sure, I dig comments because I love the spontaneity and intelligence of my friends. And I didn't invite the mad m…

Them Versus Us

Taking off from the Shilpa 'Shitty' issue (I love the surname and that comes from my ever so humorous and intellectual friend Latha or Lotty with love and Angel No. 1 to some :)), here are some reflections on being a north easterner in the capital of the world's largest democracy. Also, Lotty, on a serious note, says I should have a NE angle to what I write. She has a point. I have enough material there, enough to give vent to.

I begin with 'oye Chinky'. When I came to Delhi in the mid 1990s to do a professional course, I wasn't sure what the word meant. Maybe I was too busy paying heed to my new found independence and the certain sense of security -- the fact that I could go to the market even at 10 pm without the peering eyes of the army or the CRPF personnel patrolling the streets and stiffling our existence. It wasn't until my course was over and I got myself a break as a sub editor with the country's premier news agency, that I had my first hand exp…

Glam Gurumaa

Have you ever met a so called godwoman or godman in person? Well I did and I have to talk about this one. On Tuesday night, I got a call asking if I would like to come and meet Anandmurti Gurumaa. My knowledge about ‘spiritual people’ as they would like to call themselves is zero because I have never taken interest in their ilk and India being full of conmen in the garb of spiritualists you tend to look at them with suspicion. I had a friend who stayed for weeks at a house cramped with people in a shady lane in Delhi and they were all fighting and scrambling for the baba’s attention. The baba would perform pujas during the evenings, make them drink and wash with ashes and they would pour heaps of money buying the essentials. The people went to him for all reasons – to sort marital discords, business failures, illnesses, and even vengeance on enemies! It was frightful. I had gone to meet the friend but after a few hours scooted away more scared I would pick a bug from the unhygienic su…