I remember the good old guava tree at the backyard of my house in my sleepy hometown. It still stands there timeless and strong, bearing fruits by the year. At the age of ten, I learnt to climb it like the neighbourhood boys who were so drawn to it. And I was drawn to it for a lot of reasons. On many sunny mornings, it was my place to read my books and pen sweet epistles -- I was a hopeless romantic even at ten. When the years went by and I stepped into college it was the private spot where Julie, my friend, and I sat and exchanged stories, she about her seaman and I about life.

But tonight, it is not the guava tree that haunts me as much as the stories of romantic idealism that Julie and I exchanged. In a lot of ways, I was envious about Julie. She had a perfect romance going on in her life with a man she called her seaman because he worked with the navy. He pursued her, he loved her and he was ready to give her a home, children and a family to call his own -- all the things that a woman would want from a man. These weren’t expectations, but things that genuinely came from a man who loved a woman. Over the years, I have come to realise that things like these are not magical, extraordinary or special. They are the DNA of any romantic relationship.

So I am affected with people who keep expectations at bay. I think even with all the confidence and perspective in the world, you do expect certain things in a relationship and when that is not there, you feel like a loser. Rejection is one thing, it’s outright and you know it’s over, but to be told “don’t expect anything from me or the relationship” is worrying. Subconsciously you feel betrayed and alone. And when you get into that unhealthy space of fighting over the issue, it’s often a, “well I never wanted to lie to you from the start. That is not going to change and if you can't accept me for it, then it was not meant to be.” The truth straight up huh! Something feels utterly wrong there. In a fraction of a minute, it doesn’t matter who the ‘he’ is anymore, because suddenly from being a lover one moment ago, he sounds like any other man. After all, most men want to play it safe always.

There are people who are just happy being in vague relationships. Perhaps they do not want to let an opportunity slip based on what is going to happen in the future. Like parents who think they can’t love their second child as much as their first but everything changes. Safe thought but foolish in some situations.

I don’t know what’s right. I live my life holding on to dreams, expectations and more dreams. And I would never do years in a relationship knowing I can expect nothing out of it. Because when you spend all your waking hours and more with someone you build your world around, because you chose and because he choses, the feelings, love and expectation become ‘ours’. He becomes your home. I am accused of picking up fights and going off a tangent but because I do love, I have love to validate my reasonings… Ever felt alone than how much alone feels? Try discovering great expectations.


Unknown said...

It's difficult to have a relationship without expectation. Though on theory it might sound great... or even in poetry. But life's a different game altogether.

QueSeraSera said...

I think in any relationship one has to learn to differentiate between expectation(s)and an exception.Just as life is not perfect so are relationships.It is especially true when people get into relationships with baggages from prior commitments or relationships.I mean when you are dealing with people one has to realize that you need to be ultra-sensitive to the close ones especially children after all I don't think any parent would feel happy if their children's future or happiness was compromised due to the insensitive actions of their parents. It is a question of give and take,compromise and understanding.If one is in it for real you lose some but I think you win more coz you have the person you love most in your life.Afterall it's just one life that we lead and how many chances do you get to live with someone you feel is the be all and end all.Life is about choices and no matter how difficult some choices are sometimes you have to make them.

Shanti Thokchom said...

i can feel ur loneliness ..rightly so but on the flipside, you are alive despite everything going on around u!! any other someone would have cracked up by now..u r not alone sister! cheer up,yaar! u got so much going for u and keep thinking straight....no ulta-pulta stuffs,ok HOSE!!

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