Help!

I've never made a list of resolutions. So every year, I just usher in the new year with loads of celebration and hope to get more life out of my life. Don't know now if that is such a great idea anymore. I feel stressed and want to retire with a house near the beach and a valet :) And of course I get sentimental that I am getting old and old and old (though my mental age as is my favourite statement is sweet 16). Not many people celebrate their birthdays on the first of January. Perfect timings for my parents but I've always had a problem saying "same to you" when it's a "happy new year and a happy birthday".

This new year, I feel lousy for a whole lot of reasons. I cant handle the love handles and I do a bad job with it. Impulsive, jealous and temperamental. Fights are universal I know and that is why we are all humans. But when it's getting to the heart of things, it can be hurtful, especially in my kind of a fucked situation. It's just so nice to have friends all over the country and the world. We love one another without getting into details.Wish love was as simple as this minus all the complications.

I am a new lover and a mean lover. And if you asked me how, I'd say I get pissed with whatever he says sometimes. For no logical reasons. I get angry that I am not there, I get angry that I am not understanding, I get angry that the phone calls don't last forever, I get angry that "everyone says this would be hard for me." And I've talked this to death in my thoughts alone. The bottomline: I am desire-focussed in my romantic aspirations and needs. And things get explosive! Nothing can make me feel better for a while. So I feel like quitting. Yes another doomed one! Such is my life...

Women feel happy talking about relationships and sharing unlike men. So it's a tough call to be mum on that and especially just now when my emotions are so rife with illogic. I worry too much, worry that my life is not going where it should... that tomorrow all my dreams will collapse like a house of cards.