Grief & I

Despite being so visible on Facebook, I have been busy the last week trying to meet deadlines. Happy with the outcome of two stories I did for a local magazine. Will put them up here once the magazine goes to print. But in all this, I have been consumed by an underlying sense of sadness at the news of my nephew being unwell again. He has fever just after a month. I am told that kids get ill very often, they go to school and pick up all kinds of viruses and that he will be better soon. Maybe he is still low on immunity after the long fever last time. I pray and hope he is on the mend. Just as I write this, the sun breaks out. It has been a gloomy, wet weekend and waking  up to the pitter patter of rains on a Monday has not been very helpful. But I take this ray of sunshine as a sign of good luck.

Ever the sentimental bore, I am so prone to sadness I think. Reading my friend Deepika’s blog on her dad a few minutes back, we are on the same plane. Somewhere, sometime in life, people do meet grief and in the recesses of the mind, that sadness stays forever. I know people who mourn so much for the loss of their near ones that they never come out of that grief. I have had an irreplaceable loss in my life – my mother – and the chance of never being able to call Mama again is something that no one, except the one going through, will understand. Which is my I understand why a trip to McDonald's and hearing someone call Baba made Deepika lose her appetite on an otherwise, hungry night of hard work. In my heart, I will always regret the fact that I did not spend much of my adult life with my mother sharing the banalities and joys of life. How do I handle this loss? I think I try not to delve into it. And in the humdrum of life, we just move on.

While I do not want my life to be defined by sadness, I also think one is allowed to be sad. It is good to be pragmatic in life but it is also human to allow the crevices of the heart to sink into a bottomless pit of sorrow. Coming out of it takes a few hours, sometime even days. The dreams too are full of sad visions. Nothing strange there, I think the subconscious soaks up the sadness and lets it manifest in the forms of dreams. It just has a way to overstay its welcome.

Growing up I have always felt that sadness is an inherent part of my personality and that I get drawn to all things sentimental. But I yes I don’t believe life is about grieving, and my optimism to life and the love I have around me has always made me balanced. I enjoy life, I love life and I want to spread happiness. Sadness finds a way to seep in, I allow it in, it is the inevitable part of life but in adulthood, I have learnt to balance it with some therapy. I am heading to the gym now and then catch up for coffee with a friend.  We will talk our blues away.