It's July already, and the sense of being in the middle is everywhere, more acutely, mid life crisis, I guess. My dad thinks there is no such condition as mid life crisis. Can't blame him. Given a chance, I would like to trade places with him. His was the golden generation that wasn't swooped down with so many opportunities and, hence, worries in life. Come to think of it, I think he's had the best life --coveted government job, nice accomodation, nice working environment, happy big family to come home to and devoted wife at his beck and call. Plus a relaxed retired life now with the pension flowing. But life being life, my mom is not there anymore. To repeat my grandmother, 80-plus and still so jovial and quite fit, God gives you something and takes away something else from you.

Alright, I don't know if mine is a common mid-life crisis. To be suddenly caught by the bug to do something different after slogging it out for over a decade in one profession which I love and hate. So I keep asking myself such self-nagging questions: is this all there is to do? I can't look at Mallya acquiring Air Deccan anymore, I can't look at India's aviation history anymore, I can't look at the real estate market anymore and I can't definitely look at the commodities, stocks, power, finance,etc. ect. There is just no romance in these subjects and my association with them has reached a truly saturation point.

We are forever chasing, I don't know what. I am not overly ambitious in life, I am laidback and yet I am caught chasing that one something that will supposedly give me a sense of fulfilment. "Empty nest syndrome" my brother would probably call it for my lack of commiting to marriage as yet. I get chided all the time for what they call, my personal failure. A woman in her 30s and not married is scary to many. Is marriage everything? I ask. You can do the things you do in a marriage outside marriage, so what is the big deal? It's not that, they argue. One has to adjust to life, say, marriage and learn to live happily within those adjustments. Claustrophobic, I say.

So, till I find a mid-life calm, I guess I will continue going round and round. Shillong to Delhi, Delhi to Africa, Africa to Delhi and now -- no more revelations. It's quite a merry-go-round, only it shouldn't end where it began.


Anonymous said...

If you think marriage is claustrophobic then definitely u are not ready for it. Becasue if u enter into a marriage thinking of it as a burden and a compromise, then everything wrong in your life will end up getting attributed to that. As someone in your comments section says, if one gets teh right partner, one can still pursue their dreams. The eternal question is what is the origin for emptyness. Whether it is professional or personal. If one tries to meet professional discontent by searching happiness in domestic certainity and cosiness of marriage, it is a mistake. Same is true other way round. It was your dad's choice to be bound as that made him happy. Making right choices is really what it boils down to but then that is the most difficult part :).
Another thing I dont kno why "making adjustments' is conected to marraige only. Am not married but i've made adjustments when i was studying, whent i am working, when i am trying to maintein relationship with my friends, parents and relatives. Is being free truly possible and will it really be desirable at the end of it? hmm the comment looks longer than the post!!!!1

Anonymous said...

You are living the life other people dream of - independent, in a metro city - can do what you want, financially stable - so count your blessings and live each day....Marriage is not everything - measure your success by your standards, not others.

Unknown said...

Hey Indie,
First of all, nice new grey, helps read better too. And about getting married, grass is always greener on the other side. It's all about having a trusted companion all through your life, someone whom you can talk to, yell at, rely on etc. etc. Yes, you can acheive this being single, but the level of commitment from any person inside marriage is far more reliable than outside it. This is my view.

Indira said...

Su, Vishu, nice thoughts. it's not about getting married really.. it's about real life :)

Unknown said...

hey chill, firstly i think u r too young to catch a mid-life crisis, so save that for later. :-)
secondly catching the bug to do something different is actually a good sign, the last time i caught it, it pushed me to to apply for a scholarship in the U.S.
so trust me, no bad can come off it, just channelize the energy in the right direction.

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